What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle? Wheeeee!
Why do birds fly South for the winter? It's too far to walk.
One caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly: You'll never get me up in one of those things.
This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little S's painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!
Why are anteaters so healthy? Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!
Why couldn't the cat speak? The dog taped his mouth.
One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'. When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says, I thought you said your dog did not bite! 'I did' replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said it is quite cold out here can I come in? the man shouted NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone! and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, What did you do that for?
Why did the skeleton run up the tree? Because a dog was after his bones!
Mother and father rabbit were talking about the children after they had been put to bed. Why was Junior so happy this evening?asked father rabbit. Well, explained mother rabbit, he had a marvelous time at school. He learned to multiply.
Look at that speed!said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. Hmph! snorted the other. You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!
Want to hear a dirty joke? The white horse fell in the mud.
There were two cows standing in the field, one cow says to the other: boy that mad cow disease has got me worried the other cow says I'm not worried, I'm a penguin.
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. So, did you enjoy the film? The goat replied, To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.
Two snakes walking down the street. Oh man I have to ask you something the little one said. What is it? Are we dangerous? The other one said: of course we are, why? Because I just bit myself, replied the little one.
Where do cows go on Fridays? To the Moooovies.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
Two monkeys were discussing evolution: You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?
A kid centipede comes running to his house, and knocks on the door and says, Dad open up, a chicken is chasing me! The dad centipede says, Hold up, let me put my shoes on first!
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party the woman found out that she still needed escargots. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and he figured he had lots of time. So he stopped at the bar on the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him. But at that moment his wife came out. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and said, Come on guys, we're almost there.
An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc. Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. Well? he finally asked, What's this? The waiter replied, It's a friend of duck.
There are two bats in a cave and one says to the other I could do with some blood right now the other said, Me too but its almost sunrise. The first one said, Wait here he flies off and comes back with a mouth full of blood. The 2nd bat says, Hey where'd ya get that blood from? The other replies, Ya see that tree over there? Yeah, Well I didn't. The 2nd bat looks puzzled and says, What's that got to do with blood? The first one rolls his eyes and flies off.
What time is it when a elephant sits on a fence? Time to fix the fence.
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, Mamma, I'm soooo hungry. What can we eat? To which the mamma cat, spying the two birds, replied, How about some baskin' robbins?
What do you call a duck that steals? A Robber Duck.
A frog came into a bank to obtain a loan. He spoke to the loan officer Mr. Paddywack. When Mr. Paddywack asked the frog what he had for loan collateral, the frog held out his hand. What's that? asked Mr. Paddywack, but the frog could not talk. So, Mr. Paddywack took the frog in to see the manager and explained the situation. The manager then asked the frog what collateral he had for the loan and the frog held out his hand. Oh, said the manager, that's a knickknack Paddywack, give the frog a loan.
This little boy was walking to school when he found a frog. He picked the frog up and went to school. When he got to school, he sat the frog up on his desk and his teacher freaked out. What is that? she asked him. It's a deaf frog, Ma'am, answered the little boy. What, what, what? How do you know it is a deaf frog??? screamed the teacher. I pissed in his ear and he didn't move, said the boy truthfully. What, what, what, what do you mean you pissed in his ear and he didn't move? she asked in an outrage. Just like I said, I leaned over, I went PSSSSTTTT, in his ear and he didn't move!
Why does a cow wear a bell? Because his horn doesn't work!
How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks? 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
A guy hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, sees a snail, then picks it up and chucks it as far as possible. Three years later, he hears a knock on his door, opens the door, and sees the same snail. The snail says, "Hey man, what did you do that for?!"
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
Two fleas were walking out of the cinema when they discovered it was raining hard. Shall we walk? said one flea. No, said the other, let’s take the dog.
Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? He liked a good croak and dagger.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
Two robins were sitting on a fence post in front of a freshly plowed field. One robin said to the other I'm hungry! Are you? Yes, said the other robin. Why don't we go in this field and get some worms to eat. They went in the field and started eating. They ate until they were so full they could not even move. The first robin said I can't move, lets just stay hear and bask in the sun. Ok, said the other robin. In a few minutes both robins fell asleep. Later that day the farm cat came up and ate both robins. When finished he remarked I love Basken Robins.
Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods. Out went home, and his mother said, Where's In?, go and get him, there's a good boy. So Out went back into the woods and returned shortly with his brother. That's a good boy, said Mother skunk, How did you find him so quickly? Easy, said the little skunk, In stinked!
A motorcycle cop sees a guy in a station wagon loaded with penguins. The cop, sensing something suspicious, immediately pulls the station wagon over. You can't drive around with all those penguins, he tells the man. You need to take them to the zoo. Good idea, replies the driver. The cop then lets him drive away. The next day, the same cop notices the same station wagon drive by. This time, he notices that all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo, sir! he tells the driver emphatically. But I did, officer. And they liked it so much that today we're going to the beach.
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them! Another horse breaks in, Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!! Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28! says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. I don't mean to boast, Says the greyhound, but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them! The horses are clearly amazed. Wow! says one, after a hushed silence. A talking dog.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don't serve poultry! The chicken says, That's OK, I just want a drink.
Mama bear to Papa bear: Well... You might call it hibernating - I call it goofing off.
Doctor,said the patient, I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat! How long have you had this problem?the doctor asked. Let's see,said the patient, Mom had the litter in 41!
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. The frog is thrilled, This is great! Will I meet her at a party? No, says his Advisor, in her biology class.
The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.
If a flea and a fly pass each other, what time is it? Fly past flea.
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
What does a pig put on its paper cut? Oinkment!
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!! The panda turns around and yells, Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia! So, the bartender looks up Panda in the encyclopedia, and it reads Pandincreasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.
A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. Where were you? I was worried sick. It was such nice day, I decided to walk.
Mommy,said the baby polar bear, am I one hundred percent pure polar bear? Of course you are, son, said his Daddy, Why do you ask?Cause I'm f-f-f-freezing!
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from? 2nd Eskimo: Alaska 1st Eskimo: Don't bother. I'll ask her myself.
A man has a racehorse, never won a race. Man in disgust says, Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning. The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track. He kicks the horse and asks, WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING. The horse, half asleep says, I have to get up at three in the morning.
Two caged circus lions break free and corner a clown in his dressing room. One lion says to the other, "Forget it, those things taste funny."
Why did the headhog cross the road? To see his flat mate.
Two Cows are talking through a fence. One cow says to the other, You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Cow Disease. The other cow says to him, I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so. That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, I don't THINK so.
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
When you call a dog, they usually come to you. When you call a cat; they take a message.
Doctor, doctor! said the panic-stricken woman, my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do? Quite simple,said the doctor calmly. You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite “ haul it out.Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head.What do you want a cod's head for?Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station. Why was the turtle so shiny when he left the shell station? He used some turtle wax!
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Two cats want to cross the river. One is named one-two-three, the other is named un-deux-trois. Who made it across the river first? One-two-three did. Un-deux-trois cat sank.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes. They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one ok we can run for it or we can stay here and out number them. And the other rabbit says, were going to run for it you idiot I'm your brother.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
One day a duck went into a hardware store and asked the owner for some duck food. The owner looked at him funny, and said, This is a hardware store and we don't carry duck food. The next day the duck came back to the hardware store an again asked the owner for some duck food. The owner, disturbed that the duck came back, said, I told you yesterday. This is a hardware store; we do not have any duck food! If you come back and ask for duck food again I will cement your feet in the ground! So the next say the duck came back again and said, Do you have any cement? No, said the storeowner. Then, the duck said, Do you have any duck food?
Why did the ape run around with a piece of raw meat on his head? He thought he was a gorilla. (griller)!
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
The difference between men and women. A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, PIG! The man immediately leans out his window and replies, Stupid! They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
Why are sharks mostly salt water creatures? Because pepper would make them sneeze.
One day there was a tortoise walking on the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to him so he challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly accepted his challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never finished the race because they both took a nap right before the finish line. So the tortoise is still the champion of the race. So remember this you snooze you loose!
What did the spider do on the computer? Made a website!
There were two cats, one called One-two-three and one called Un-deux-trois. One day they decided to have a race across the English Channel. Which cat won? One-two-three won, because the Un-deux-trois-quatre-cinq! (Cat-Sank, it's French!)
What happens when you cross a shark with a cow? I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because the "p" is silent.
Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What does a bankrupt frog say? Baroke, baroke, baroke.
What did the doctor say when a pony came in complaining about a sore throat? "I know what's wrong here; you're just a little hoarse!"
Have you got any kittens going cheap? Asked a customer in a pet shop. No, sir, replied the owner. All our kittens go Meow.
An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, Strangle him!!! Strangle him!
A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, Take that penguin to the zoo, now. Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again? The guy says, What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies.
Kerry the tomcat was scampering all over the neighborhood, down alleys, up fire escapes, into cellars. A disturbed neighbor knocked on the owner's door and said, Your cat is rushing about like mad. I know, the man conceded. Kerry's just been neutered, and he's running around canceling engagements.
Three ducks, in line, are crossing the road. The duck in the back says, Quack, quack! The duck in the front says, Hey, I'm moving as fast as I can!
A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack. The younger guy says to the old man, Watcha got in the sack? The old man responds, I got some monkeys in that there sack. The younger man asks, If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? The old man replies, Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!
Erica is walking out of a movie theatre at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder. Erica turns to the man and says, Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie. It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even squawked during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be. The man turns to Erica and says I don't understand it either.... he didn't like the book at all.
There were two cows in a paddock and one said to the other, I'm a bit worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around. The other answered; It won't worry me, I'm a helicopter!
What happens when a duck flies upside down? He quacks up.
One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up. But why do we have to hurry?said one. Can you read, you nut! It says, Tear along the dotted line.
A woodpecker was pecking a whole in a tree. All of a sudden, a flash of lightening struck the tree to the ground! The woodpecker looked bemused for a moment and then said: Gee, I guess I don't know my own strength!
What do you call a blind deer? A no-eyed deer (say it out loud) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? A still no-eyed deer.
A hound dog and a dalmation were sitting in an Internet cafe and the dalmation said to the hound, Hey, check out my web site! The hound asked for the address and the dalmation responded, www.dalmation.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot.
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately. The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday? The guy replies, I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!
Did you hear about the frog who went to the library to get some reading material? As the librarian on duty suggested a list of titles, the frog was heard replying, Read it...read it...read it...
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, it's in the pocket, it's in the pocket, the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, it's in the hat, it's in the hat.One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.
A man takes his dog to the vet. My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, let's take a look at him. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down. What? Because he is cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy.
Did you hear about the baby mouse that saw a bat? He ran home and told his mother he'd seen and angel.
Chicken to turkey: Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday.
A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches. The butcher said to the man that's funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length, what's your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb asked the man, the butcher replied well they both must have come from the same sheep.
Cats rule. Dogs drool. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds. Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen. Why do you think they call it Dog Breath?
An old man always had his dog chained up, and one day he decided to take the dog out hunting with him. Since the dog has been chained up for so long it ran for a chance at freedom. The man ran after the dog hoping to catch it. The dog ran over a cliff. The man said, dog gone it.
One day a chicken goes to a library and asked: book, book, book. The librarian gave the chicken 3 books and the chicken went on its way... The next day the same chicken came into the library and said book, book, bookSo the librarian gave the chicken 3 books again... but this time she became suspicious of where the chicken was taking the books... so the librarian decided follow the chicken. After a while the chicken came to a swamp and stopped besides a frog ... the chicken gave the three books to the frog, and the frog replied: Read it! Read it! Read it!
What do you call a T-Rex's bruise? A dino-sore.
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri? To show the opossum it could be done.
What do you call 13 bunnies in a row, hopping backwards? A receding hairline!
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: Mother said there would be knights like this.
There were three pigs. The biggest pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it up and asked where the bathroom is. Right over there, says the store clerk. Then, the middle pig went to the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it down and asked where the bathroom was too. Right over there, said the store clerk. Finally, the littlest pig came in the market and asked for the largest soda. He gulped it all down. The store clerk asked, Aren't you gonna ask where the bathroom is? Nope, said the little pig, Don't u remember I'm the one that wee wees all the way home.
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves, What are you doing in there? she asked. The rabbit replied, This is a Westinghouse, isn't it? The lady confirmed, Yes. Well, the rabbit said, I'm westing.
What does a clam do on its birthday? Shellabrate!
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player? The elephant replied, Well, I didn't mean to kill him - I was just trying to trip him up.
Why did the dog sit in the shade? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!
A baby snake asked it's mom, "Mommy are we poisonous?" The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?" The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it Hi Mr. Lion! The other said, Where did you get the gorilla suit? The lion, rather frustrated, asks, How did you know I was a lion? The eagles then started to sing, You can't hide your lion eyes.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they can't remember the words!
A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop. The baker said, We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here. So the duck left. The following day the duck went back and asked again. This time the Baker said, No, if you come here again I will nail your feet to the floor. The following day the duck returned and asked, Have you any nails? The baker replied, No. And the duck said, Well, I'll have two pork chops then.
Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, Where's the bathroom? The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, Where's the bathroom? The bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. Hey, buddy! Do you want know where the bathroom is? asks the bartender. No thanks, the piggy slurs, I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!
Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar. The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin D-Con Rat Poison. The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, Where do you think you're going?Time to go home and chase the cat!
Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.
What's a bunny's favorite restaurant? IHOP.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital? For a hoperation.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
What do you call a dog with no front or back legs? He's not going to come - why waste your time?
Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles? At the police station they asked him, Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this? He said, No, it all happened so fast.
Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Did you hear about the skunk that went to church? He had his own pew.
Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
What animal has more lives than a cat? Frog, because he croaks every night.
Why can't you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time? Because they'd only have one pair of trunks.
What do you get if you put a 20 ducks in a box? A box of Quakers.
What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? Rough rough.
What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs? Anything you want, he can't hear you!
What kind of animal hates to do it's laundry the most? A Leopard because he has so many spots.
A man graduated from veterinary school then took a course in taxidermy. He now has a sign in his Doctor's office that reads, Veterinarian/Taxidermist - Either way - you get your pet back.
What do you call a story told by a giraffe? A tall tale!
Why do dogs make such poor gamblers? When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tails.
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, What would you like? the fish says holding his neck, Water.
Why is the Dalmatian always found when playing hide and go seek? Because his is spotted!
Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes! His friend says to him You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it! and the guy says, I only have to out run you!
Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do? To which the second skink calmly replied, Let us spray.
A pony walks into a bar and asks, Bartender, may I have a drink? Bartender says, What? I can't hear you. Speak up! May I please have a drink? asks the pony. What? You have to speak up! the bartender says. Could I please have a drink? Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you, the bartender says. I'm sorry, the pony adds, I'm just a little hoarse.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!